Friday, May 6, 2011

good advice…

I don’t know why I am posting this, just can’t shake the feeling that I am to do it. 

The best marital advice ever given to us was to consider these two words: secure & significant.  Several years ago, when we were skidding through a dangerous/scary/uncertain time in our marriage, we began to go to counseling. 

One of our assignments was to make a list.  For Jay, a list of things I do/say (can do/can say) that make him feel significant.  For me, a list of the things Jay does/says (can do/can say) to make me feel secure.

After all our (productive) sessions, here is one of the main things we came away with: my husband has permission to ask me at any time, "Are you feeling secure?"  and listen to my response.  If I respond with yes, he then asks, "Why? What have I done recently to make you feel secure?"  If I answer no, then further conversation ensues.  Sometimes I answer, "Not secure, but not insecure, either."   I think women would understand what this means.  And I also have permission to ask him. "Are you feeling significant?" And the same thing goes, as far as the way he answers, my responses, etc. 

Our counselor told us that the #1 thing a wife needs from her man is to feel secure (in her relationship with him - understanding that he cannot fulfill her every need, that comes from her relationship with Christ.  But that it is his responsibility to be sure that he does his part to help her feel secure in their relationship.  That is one way I got into trouble – I expected Jay to fulfill me.  What I did not realize at the time, was that I was setting myself up for disappointment, and setting him up for failure.) 

And he also said that the #1 need a guy has from his woman, is to feel significant.  He (counselor) said, the world can beat up my man, his job can drag him down,  etc. but if he knows that I am proud of him, I respect him & am with him 100%, he will know that he can handle it all, with his woman right there with him. 

I hope someone benefits from these words.  We continue to, years after we first heard them.


  1. Thanks for sharing that Niki! I can always use words of advice/encouragement to improve our relationship. Not that its bad, but it can always get better! Much love! C

  2. Thanks Niki. This was a blessing to me. And it is so true. Keep sharing. People really need to hear this.

  3. God has his way of keeping us connected..even if it has been years! Niki, thank you for the post..Ike and I are also going through a rough patch in our 17 years of marriage..for me, it is nice to know that we are not the only couple who has doubts and fears. Ruth

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